Earth! A Jesus Story: Jesus & The 3-Fingered Beast

When you hear the church bells on a Sunday afternoon, my advice is to run for cover: you wouldn't want Jerry Falwell's bulbous ass enveloping your head and invading (i.e., raping) your porous gray matter with pscyhopantic ramblings. To be mind-raped by Christians is one of the more outrageous (and barbaric) crimes known to the Latter-Day Monkeys of Planet Earth. And where Jerry Falwell can be seen, you can be sure that his lapdog (John McCain) is engaging in hands-free fellatio (for Falwell's pleasure). How's that for family friendly? That's X-rated, folks--so you can be sure that half the Republican caucuses will be watching and likely joining in on the ensuing ritualistic orgy.

The point is: both God and I are baffled by the quasi-clinical mind-rape and all its practicioners.

When someone such as Jerry Falwell champions his Christian credentials, assume the opposite: that he is, in fact, a Cunt. (And I stress the capital 'C' here). And what is a cunt but a mindless membraneous orifice for all manner of engorged penises. And what does the cunt give birth to? More cunts and penises. Yes, I, Jesus, have just used the words 'cunt' and 'penis'.

If you have a problem with that, talk to my father: for it is well-known that existence spewed forth from his mind (in an ejaculatory big-bang), thus paving the way for 'cunt' and 'penis'. So, really, when you think of it, God is the source of all cunts and penises.

That said, he's not responsible for what cunts and penises do in their spare time.

Days, Nights and Other Sorts of Arbitrary Measurements: A Prayer for Marshmallows in the Dark

A day is 24 hours, or so I've been led to believe by scientists. One rotation on the Earth's axis is what we learn in elementary school. Naturally, I was always dissatisfied with this arbitrary measurement. I think it would be nice if the Earth could grant us a few more hours, or perhaps do away with the daily rotation altogether. That would make things interesting. Time would become stuck. How fun would that be? Would the gears suddenly stop? Surely, everything would be thrown into complete confusion. Computers would crash, as would the stock market. Alarm clocks would never go off, and so we'd enjoy much more sleep. Weekdays and weekends would blend together and work would become antiquated, because how could one possibly ever get to work on time if there is no time? And if the Earth stopped revolving on its axis, we wouldn't even be able to read a sundial. There would be no way of telling time. All the better for us. We're a bit too occupied with time's embrace anyways.

Certain parts of the globe would have to be plunged into total darkness. All the better for star-watching, campfires and marshmallows.

With mass confusion would certainly come an increase in crime. This is unavoidable. My advice would be to move to the country: the criminals would soon exterminate themselves if this were to ever happen anyway.

Bring a shotgun, though, and some bear traps just in case the violence spills into the countryside.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost...

Acckhaahyhdam-men!



Yours Truly,

D. J. Pangburn